Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day we lost our first baby. I was ten weeks along or so, and we were in Wichita, KS for a job interview. I think I'd be perfectly fine if I never had to set foot in Wichita again. I still think often about what our baby would have been like. For some reason, I've always thought it was a girl. That might be part of the reason I have a hard time thinking of naming a future baby girl the same name we had picked out for if our first if it were a girll. Logically, that doesn't make sense, but I guess I'm not always as logical as I think I am.
The feeling I remember the most was emptiness....and the feeling of not knowing. There's very little I hate more than not knowing whats going to happen. It had taken us a long time to get pregnant the first time, and I worried that even if I were able to get pregnant again, that I would be unable to sustain a pregnancy. Three months later we found out that we were pregnant with Noah. That was a very long first trimester.
At about 12 weeks, just as I was starting to think everything would be okay, we found out that Noah was a twin, but the other baby had gotten stuck over by my ovary (an ectopic pregnancy) and had died at about 6 weeks old. The doctors told us that they'd keep a careful eye on it with ultrasounds, but there was a chance that I'd have to have surgery to remove it, but if it were before Noah was 18 weeks, I might lose him too. Thankfully everything went as well as it possibly could have, and my body absorbed the other embryo over time, and I didn't need the surgery.
I often wonder what it would be like to have two little three-year-olds running around. What would Noah's twin have been like? Would they have been similar, or as opposite as Noah and William are?
When Noah turned one we started trying for baby number 2. That time it took 5 months. 5 really long months. After finding out I was pregnant for the 3rd time it was hard to get very excited about it. I remember going to the doctor the first time with William and having her ask me if I was excited. I told her, "If everything is going well, then yes, I'll be excited." She looked a little confused, but understood after she took my medical history. I feel guilty about the lack of excitement, but it's just not as easy to get excited about new pregnancies after what we've had to go through.
It's days like yesterday that I look at the two boys we have now and I'm particularly thankful for them. We spent what seems like a long time thinking we might not ever have them, that I'm so glad that they're there.
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